Tonight in the holiday beer parade we have Ommegang's Everything Naughty White Chocolate Imperial Blonde Stout, coming in at 9.5% ABV.

Let me get this out of the way first. Generally speaking for me, if you have to use more than about two or three words to describe what the beer is, I'm probably not going to enjoy it. There are absolutely exceptions to this but -- again, generally speaking -- by the time you have to write a sentence to explain what the beer is you're in kitchen-sink territory (or what one of my friends likes to call "stunt beers") and that very, very rarely works out well.

It's certainly intriguing at an intellectual level to think about what a white chocolate imperial blonde stout would be, how you even pull something like that off, etc., but is anyone going to want to drink it? Let's find out.

No. The answer is no.

Visually, this beer looks pretty nice. It's a rich, very lightly opaque golden color and though the head didn't last, when I first poured it it had a nice creamy-white head.

The aroma is interesting at first but quickly becomes off-putting. The main thing on the nose is white chocolate and vanilla that's pleasant at first, but as the scent dissipated it had a bit of a chemical aftersmell (if that's not a word it should be) so even before tasting I wasn't very enthused.

Other than the visual appeal the only thing I'll give this beer is the mouthfeel is very nice. It's super creamy and smooth.

But then there's the taste which is ... not good. It's not bad as in "oh my god there's something wrong with this get it out of my mouth do I need to go to the hospital right now," but it's pretty bad. That chemically tell in the aroma also comes through in the flavor. It's like you can tell what they were going for with the white chocolate but it tastes fake and harsh, reminiscent of a buttered popcorn Jelly Belly or anything banana flavored that isn't actually a banana. It's also cloyingly sweet which is something I never look for in a beer.

In the description of this beer on their website they state this is a "stout that confuses the eyes" but it's only confusing if you read the word "stout" on the can. The critical part of the confusion gag is the flavor needs to be something different than what your eyes are telling you to expect. Expectations are not thwarted here as they should be for the trick to work.

There's no roasty, coffee, or chocolate flavors you'd expected in a stout, there's zero bitterness from the hops that are supposedly in there to balance the overwhelming sweetness, and there's no warming sensation that you'd expect from a beer with an ABV this high so it really doesn't have a lot going for it in terms of drinkability.

Now if you told me this was a new Starbucks Vanilla Frappuccino beer I might at least understand that. I wouldn't like it, wouldn't ever drink it again, and certainly wouldn't think it's anything Starbucks should add to their lineup, but I'd get what they were trying to do. But that is not what Ommegang was going for with this beer.

For me, a beer should be measured against what the goals of the beer are. I don't have to like every beer but I can certainly respect beers that hit their marks, and even some that are "interesting" but aren't really my thing. In other words I don't think a beer is bad just because I don't personally like it. Judging by the goals stated in the name of this beer, however, and also with respect to drinkability, it just doesn't work in any sense.

Hopefully the next one in the lineup fares better because this was abysmal and got dumped out after two sips. If you do try this beer, I recommend a nice Kentucky bourbon as a palate cleanser. Worked for me anyway.